You had to be there

Unknown source for this joke:

I told God a Holocaust joke.  He didn’t get it.  “Well … guess you had to be there”, I said.

Ricky Gervais tells this joke to Jerry Seinfeld, who laughs for a long while, then marvels at the layered nuances and philosophical depth of it.

It’s true.  Why would a god who actually existed not do anything during the Holocaust, but find your keys for you?  Help you with a test?  Find a job?  Not get a speeding ticket?

Why, when Jesus’ disciples all died, didn’t people go, “well that guy was full of shit. He said he was going to come back, and now even John’s gone and nothing”?  No, they doubled down!  Once religion became about 1. controlling people and 2. making money, it turned a page.  Now it’s totally about controlling people and making money.  Especially the money.  There’s an Instagram page called “Preacher Sneakers” that shows various holy men, usually young, wearing shoes (or belts, or shirts, etc.) that literally cost thousands of dollars.

I’m still convinced Jesus was making money at baptizing people.  John the Baptist was thrown in jail for it, but Jesus moves right in to his turf and takes over.  Like a gang member.  Why would he do that if not for money?

 

 

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Grateful to God to be an American

Kellyanne Conway stated today she is “grateful to God to be an American”.  As if God arranged for her to be born to Christian, white, United States born parents.  As the world goes, Americans (people born in the US)  are a minority.  If God had anything to do with the US being a first world leader in the world, why wouldn’t the Bible continue past 95 AD and take place all over the world?   Here’s a map of the New Testament events:

bible map

I think I’m going to write a “newer testament” and include the US.  Makes sense.

Miracles

People often attribute miracles to things that happen while medical professionals are at work.  These miracle patients often thank God first, then, as an afterthought, the EMTs, doctors and nurses.  Sometimes, when they are “brought back from the dead” they’ll say God or Jesus told them “it’s not your time”.  And the medical professional resuscitates them.  Does that ever happen when there is no medical intervention?  That someone is dead, they see Jesus, Jesus says “it’s not your time” and the person spontaneously comes back to life?  And if God doesn’t make mistakes, why put the person in such a position?  There is currently a few articles online about a woman who had a heart attack while hiking and claims to have seen Jesus.  She had her heart shocked some five times but finally came back to life.  This happened in February 2018.  The reason for the popularity bump in the story, is the woman’s niece got a tattoo saying “it’s real” which is what the woman wrote on a notepad when she awoke after surgery.  The niece posted a picture of the tattoo on Instagram, and the tattoo artist also put the story on Facebook and it has gone viral.  Ironically, Leviticus 19:28 forbids tattoos.

Two headlines juxtaposed a world apart

juxtaposition

This is in today’s New York Times.  An article about Hasidic Jews who don’t vaccinate their kids for religious reasons, right above a headline about the giant asteroid that struck earth millions of years ago.  One of these articles is based on something that didn’t happen, i.e.  God directed humans to obey certain laws which now, some 10,000 years later, is still being followed to the detriment of said humans’ health.  Ironically, the older event is the true event.  Based on facts discovered in part, very recently.  Just bizarre.  If God, for example, sent the asteroid, you’d think it would be in the Bible and God would send some type of rainbow like thing to prove he was never going to do that again.  My point is, you can’t believe both of these things are true.

Prayer

There’s really only two things that people pray about: weather and health/death.  I’m not counting praying that the Patriots win because somebody else is praying for their opponent to win, and prayer is going to work 50% of that time.  But praying that it won’t rain on your wedding day, praying to “guide the surgeon’s hands”, praying that the family heals emotionally after a disaster/shooting/loss is still praying for (mental) health.  So why do we have doctors and meteorologists if prayer works?  Last night there was another very destructive Bible belt tornado.  How can anyone possibly think an invisible man in the sky has something to do with that?  And that talking to him in your head can affect that? Even if the tornado missed your house and you attribute that to your “personal relationship with the Creator” what about the people across the street where lives were lost?  I guess you’ll pray for them.